TIPS TO MAKE THINGS SMOOTHER FOR THE CHILDREN Taken from the Sugarhouse Co-Parenting Education for Children Class Valerie Hale, Ph.D.

Many parents of infants worry that the child doesn't "know" the nonresidential parent. Consider using tape recordings of parents reading bedtime stories, singing gentle songs, or simply saying words of love. Play the tape at night as the child goes to sleep. When at mother's home, play father's tape, and vice versa.

Use a video of the child and parent interacting, or have the parent make a video of his or her home, tell a story, or sing silly songs. Allow children to play the videotape of the other parent as much as they would like to. This works well for out of state parents who want to assure the child that they have a comfortable home and are "OK" as well as for children who miss the primary residence and want to view the missed parent.

Display photographs of the other parent in the child's room. Pictures of the child together with both of the parents are exceptionally nice. Otherwise, make sure the child has easy access to family albums and photographs.

Some long distance parents of young children have found success using "video phones" for communication. Younger children seem to be reassured by the visual input of the other parent's face combined with voice.

Make a calendar to help the child know when transition times will be taking place. Use one color for the mother's days, another color for the father's. Use a magnet to show the child where "today" is, and help the child learn that each square is a "wakeup" or "sleep". Help the child count how many "sleeps" until he goes to be with the other parent. This helps children who miss the nonresidential parent as well as children who have difficulty staying in the nonresidential parent's new and strange environment.

Understand that young children are concrete in their thinking. Help them understand that "divorce" means that children will now have "two houses" instead of one house. Abstract concepts such as "we fell out of love" or "we grew apart and that's why

Dad's not here" are lost on young children. Draw pictures or take photographs of the two houses. Some parents like to draw two houses on posterboard and allow the child to place cutout items of furniture, clothes and people on each "house" in order to make sense of what is happening.

Make sure pick up and drop off times are as tension free as possible. This means no talking about adult matters in front of the children! This includes discussion of divorce papers, relationship issues, or other matters.

Try to avoid the "curb side pick up" phenomenon. The child is not responsible for your inability to manage a five-minute interaction with the other parent withoutconflict. The child's home should not be a place of contention. If at all possible, go to the door, ring the doorbell and greet the child there. Custodial parents should meet the nonresidential parent at the door if possible. Small things, such as saying "hello" and "goodbye" mean very much to children. They are hurt when parents are unable to manage this basic courtesy.

Custodial parents should be encouraged to sent clean and nice clothing with the child during a visit to the nonresidential parent's home. Sending old, torn, or worn-out clothing with the child in hopes that the other parent will purchase new clothing is inappropriate and mean spirited.

Non-custodial parents should be encouraged to purchase clothing and other necessary items for the children, without complaining that "this stuff is supposed to come out of the child support." No comments about child support or questions about the spending of child support are to be voiced in front of the child.

Non-custodial parents are encouraged to engage in everyday, "normal" activities with children, such as doing homework, cooking dinner, going for walks and the like. Nonresidential parents are often convinced that they must make the most of every minute with the child, and that they must make each interaction fun and exciting. This is unrealistic. However, custodial parents should also understand that if they do not want a "Disneyland Parent" they should allow more normal and perhaps more frequent interaction, and should treat the nonresidential parent as an equal in parenting decisions.

Get a loose-leaf binder for use in communication. Stuff the pockets with whatever handouts came from the school that day. On blank paper in the binder, write the basic information that is needed for that time. For example, the binder might come with a mimeographed assignment from school, and the parent might write: "Spelling words start on page 8. Also, he needs nose drops at 6 PM. Thanks." Upon return, the other parent might respond "Spelling done. He has trouble with `would' and `could'. He refused nose drops until 9:30. How long does he have to take them? Also, what about piano recital?" Parents should not use the notebook to vent feelings about the divorce or to discuss settlement issues.

Make sure the school sends information to both parents.

Parents should attend all school and extra-curricular activities together if possible. Highly conflicted parents should attend different events. Both parents should conference with the child's teacher and can schedule separate appointments. If parents can sit together at a child's event, so much the better. Children are often quite upset when both parents attend an event but do not sit together, because they worry about which parent to speak to after the event comes to a close. Don't put the children in this position. Sometimes, the presence of a new boyfriend or girlfriend causes parents to sit apart at a child's event. If the presence of the new partner causes tension, the new partner should be left at home. The event belongs to the child, notthe parent. If the parent is obviously committed to the new partner, after a period of several months, and with the child's invitation, the new partner should be permitted to attend certain events. There are to be cordial communications among all adults present.

Some children do well with a book in which they can write back and forth to a parent. Each parent should have a notebook that is shared with the child. The child can write questions about the divorce, talk about his feelings, and the like in the book. The book is to be considered a sacred object, and is not to be used in gaining advantage in divorce litigation.

Parents should encourage the child's relationship with the other parent and if present, stepparent whenever possible. This means to include extra cookies "for your mom and Bill". It also means that the child must be encouraged to purchase or make presents for Mother's or Father's Day, Christmas, or the parent's birthday.

If the child is in psychotherapy, both parents need to be invited and included.

Both parents should consider themselves candidates for taking the children to medical and dental appointments. It is not the sole responsibility of the custodial parent to always be the one who disrupts his or her work schedule in the case of emergency.

Do not take children to the attorney's office, even if they only wait in the lobby. Children are not getting a divorce and including them this way is usually distressing for them.

Do not allow children to dictate the visitation schedule. Children, like other humans, are continually struggling for power and control in a relationship. If the child said "I don't really want to go to school. It's boring and I don't feel comfortable" most parents would send the child anyway. Please don't consider the parenting access plan any differently. If the child continually complains about visitation, consider a visit to a child therapist to determine if something can be done to ease the child's distress. Of course, if the child is being physically, sexually, or emotionally abused, it is unreasonable to place the child in harms way. In this case, the child protective services agency should be notified.

Make sure the child can contact either parent freely. However, many parents find that the "no calling when you get into trouble over here" rule works well for them. This means that if the child has misbehaved and the parent is applying discipline, the child is not to contact the other parent during the "time out" phase of discipline. Of course, the child should be allowed to telephone the other parent immediately afterwards.

Sometimes a child will call a parent and ask "will you come and get me?" Please don't place the child in the middle of this decision by saying "go and ask your mother/father and tell me what they say." Instead, always insist on speaking with the other parent yourself.

Teenagers need some input into the time sharing schedule. However, simply allowing the teen to control the entire relationship is inappropriate. Most teens complain that the reason they do not want to visit the nonresidential parent is because the have decreased access to friends. Making a home "teen friendly" is often helpful in smoothing the adolescent's visitation transitions. This means allowing friends to be in the home, making telephone and face-to-face access possible, and understanding that teens prefer their friends to any other kind of person, including a parent.