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Research into successful relationships found that people with the happiest relationships did not (to the surprise of the researchers) necessarily fight less. In the successful
relationships was at least one partner who knew how to self sooth when discussions got too intense.
The self-soothing person has a habit of talking optimistically and
compassionately to herself or himself. Where a person might say, "What's wrong with him? He's just being a selfish jerk!" in response to someone being rude, the resilient person would say, "The poor guy must be having a bad day. I wonder what has gone wrong for him?" Their self-talk focuses on positive ways of interpreting situations. It is
not that resilient people say no negative things; it is that the positive or compassionate self talk is about twice as frequent as the negative self-talk. It is the balance of
two positives to one negative that is important.
Why Must I Self-Sooth
The law profession is intrinsically stressful. When you are under stress, your mind is in an attack
or flee mode. The highest centers of your brain are sidelined and your instincts and habits take over. Your thinking is not creative and reflecting at just the time you need it to be!
Good News/Bad News The bad news is that moods are the result of extremely automatic habits that happen so fast that we usually believe that our moods are caused by events, not by our own self-talk. We don't notice how our own thoughts are behind our feelings, not what others do to us.
The good news is that even though the habits are very quick and automatic, they can be changed. While it takes a good deal of work, you can train yourself to have resilient
thinking habits.
Once you are in a habit of thinking resiliently, your life and relationships are much more stress free than you would have imagined possible. You see answers where there were just questions, and solutions where there were problems.
Skill Building: Resilient Self-Talk
Think of a situation that recurs and causes you some grief. You might feel angry, hurt, sad . . . it doesn't really matter which particular feeling. All negative feelings have a similar pattern. Now write down what you say to yourself during
and after the situation. Notice how those statements would logically cause the feelings you are having.
Look at the situation again. Practice compassion and understanding. Can you see a more soothing way to look at it?
Could there be a positive intention even if the behavior is bad?
“He's just trying to be playful and friendly."
Could there be a hidden benefit that comes from the situation?
"This is an opportunity for me to learn patience."
Are their compensating factors?
"She is generally much more positive, she must just be in a bad mood."
Will it soon pass and is therefore not an important issue?
"Our finances are generally bad at this time of year, but in three months we will be fine."
Practice this more compassionate way of thinking, reviewing troublesome situations in your mind and finding a more peaceful way to look at them. Bear in mind that you solve problems better
when you are calm, so calm and peaceful is your goal.
- Lynn Johnson, PhD
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